Get dressed in your patriotic finest, and crack open a can of Pabst Red, White, and Blue! Put on some J.P. Sousa marches and then parade around your neighborhood like an moron! Why? It's Independance Day, by God! And while you're at it, paste some American Flag stickers on the back window of the Explorer.

According to the little 79-cent calender that we bought at the Stockton Bargain Center, December 25 is officially Independance Day. It has a certain twisted logic, since we did celebrate Christmas in July after all. So this Tuesday, Spangle your Stars, Hit the Bars, and explain to the skeptical people sitting next to you that you're just getting an early start for the holiday season. It's your duty as a patriotic (idiotic?) citizen.

Tuesday, Dec. 25
5:30 to midnight
Any bar with an American Flag in the window
Your town, USA

Transportation:
SUVs, anything rear-wheel-drive, or Big American Pickups
United We Drink!